Granted, Bethenny Frankel got married months ago. She’s even had a daughter and given an in-depth magazine interview about motherhood since then.

But Bravo took us back in time last night on Bethenny Getting Married and showed us this reality star’s wedding to Jason Hoppy. As always, our THG correspondent is here to review the episode in detail…

The wedding day is here!  Down at The Four Seasons, wedding planner Shawn is going full-tilt boogie trying to get everything ready.  You know he’s serious because he’s wearing a headset and fast walking. 

He has that look of extreme fear on his face that has become very familiar to us as we’ve watched him throw this high-end shotgun wedding together whilst being hounded by the pickiest bride on the planet.  We know this look most likely won’t go away until he closes the limo door after the wedding and watches Bethenny and Jason drive off into the sunset.

Meanwhile, back at home, Bethenny is getting ready for her wedding and simultaneously editing her new book.  She accomplishes the book, to her great relief and then Teri, the Maid of Honor, comes over wearing another really bad shirt.  Carol, Jason’s mom, also pops by.  She gives Bethenny a very sweet gift of a locket with mini pictures of Bethenny and Jason. 

Bethenny promptly pins this locket to her underwear.

Bethenny’s hair and makeup pros arrive to gussy her up.  A photography team from Oprah’s magazine is there to document this part of the process.  You’ve got to wonder what Jason’s mom is thinking about all this celebrity hoo-ha.  If she’s overwhelmed, you’d never know it - she acts very cool. 

Outside the Four Seasons are paparazzi and a security team.  Once inside, Bethenny is thrilled with how everything looks.  “It’s gorgeous.  I’m so excited.  It’s perfect,” Bethenny sighs.  Shawn looks like he expected Bethenny to beat him over the head with a silver serving tray and you know the poor guy must almost be pissing himself with relief that she is not only satisfied, but actually happy!

Elsewhere, Jason is dead-set on having a drank before the blessed event and sends Shawn off on this errand.  “Can you believe it’s here?” he asks his Best Man about the wedding day.  A second passes in silence. 

“Where is Shawn with those drinks?!” Jason asks, his voice tight with anticipation.   He wipes his sweaty brow.  I can understand why he is so worked up—a new wife, a new reality show, and a new baby all at once.  I’d be sweaty and dying to get drunk too.

Behind the scenes, Bethenny is finishing getting ready and putting on her wedding dress.  She is convinced that her pregnant belly has grown significantly and terrified the dress won’t fit.  Maid of honor Teri attempts to be helpful but seems a little tipsy - or maybe totally smashed. 

“Okay,” she slurs to Bethenny, “I have to say something about the Chinese astrological chart.” 

“Teri!” Bethenny interrupts, “take a breath.  You’re making everyone mad.  You need to relax.  Teri is just a little bit of a loose cannon right now.  My Maid of Honor has come unglued.”  Bethenny then begs Teri to “be calm” a few more times. 

“Oh my god!  It fits!” Bethenny cries once her wedding dress is hoisted into place.  She really does look gorgeous.  But then disaster strikes:  She has to go to the bathroom and no toilet is easily accessible. Shawn makes the executive decision that Bethenny will pee into a silver champagne bucket.  He’s not as thrilled about this prospect as he’s making it look.  He tells us, “Outside I was like, ‘Sure whatever you want, sweetie.’  Inside I was like, ‘whuuuuttt?’”

As Bethenny squats over the bucket, her assistant (who is located very near Bethenny’s crotch) says, “Oh my god, Bethenny.  Are we really doing this?”  Shawn is still experiencing severe discomfort.  “So I lift the dress up and I realized at that moment that I was inches away from her cooch looch,” he says. Bethenny requires silence and a finger in a champagne glass full of water in order to pee.  Poor Shawn is going to have a serious case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after this shindig has wrapped.

While this pee party is going on, wedding guests are arriving.  That Hoda woman from “The Today Show” is there and chatting with Ramona.  Alex comes dressed like Marie Antoinette at a funeral.  Or maybe like the woman in charge of the haunted house I went to this past Halloween.  Or maybe like Helena Bonham Carter in “Sweeny Todd.”  Or maybe just like Helena Bonham Carter in normal, everyday life. 

I don’t know.  You decide.

Shawn helps Bethenny make her way down a rather tight hallway to where the wedding will take place.  As he follows the bride and keeps her wedding dress safely hoisted above the filthy floor, Shawn has a look on his face like he is handling active dynamite.  I can’t blame him.  Can you imagine what Bethenny would have said and done if one speck of dirt got on her dress?  Shawn would definitely not have survived.

They swing open the doors to the assembled guests and wedding party and Bethenny comes walking in.  “Wow,” says Jason, his teary eyes fixed on his bride.  They recite their vows, “You fill my heart with so much joy, happiness, and love,” Jason tells Bethenny.

“I waited my whole life for you,” Bethenny tells Jason.  “The sum of us is greater than the parts.  This is the best moment of my entire life, right now.” 

The cocktail hour is in full-swing after the wedding ceremony while Shawn is frantically transforming the wedding room into the reception room.  Jason and Bethenny have their first dance and we are all crossing our fingers that Ramona will break out in the signature full-body jerking that she calls “dancing.”

Next, Jason and Bethenny go to cut the much-discussed and worried-over red velvet cake and Shawn looks like he’s grinding his teeth down to nubs with trepidation.  What if she doesn’t like it?!  She’s threatened to rip his balls off!  Luckily Bethenny loves it.  “She loved the cake and I knew my job was done,” says Shawn.  Now he can go home, down an entire bottle of Xanax with a jug of vodka, and curl up in bed for the next six months to recuperate. 

As the evening progresses, the party gets a little wild.  On the dance floor there’s kickboxing, the Electric Slide, someone doing the worm, another someone walking on his hands, full-on swing dancing…and yet Ramona keeps it calm!  Whhhyyyy, Ramona?!  One kooky dance for old time’s sake, pretty please? 

Then, some dudes jump in the pool and start playing with the silver balls floating there. Bethenny attempts to feign anger but in the end decides it’s all in good fun. 

At the end of the night the newlyweds hop in the limo and head off to their honeymoon in St. Bart’s. Bethenny was gorgeous, Jason was handsome, the wedding was beautiful, and no doubt their honeymoon will be lovely.  The only thing I missed seeing was Shawn collapsing on the sidewalk as the limo sped off. 

Congrats, Shawn, you’re done!  Oh, and congrats, Jason and Bethenny too!

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“I’m not going to jail!” - Lindsay Lohan

The troubled star vows to appeal the 90-day jail sentence Judge Marsha Revel handed down, according to one source who was with her on Wednesday night.

Linds was talking with people in her apartment about appealing the case, and uttered the above quote. Not only a spoiled brat, but also delusional, apparently.

The only real basis for an appeal would be arguing that Judge Revel abused her discretion in nailing her with a 90-day sentence, which was a tad extreme. 

The chances of winning such an appeal are slim even under the best of circumstances, though … and especially given Lindsay’s performance on probation.

DO THE CRIME, DO THE TIME: Lindsay Lohan not only did the crime (DUI) in the first place, she violated her probation terms repeatedly … and still acts like a victim.

She asked for it, and pulling a stunt like she did with the F-U nails isn’t exactly going to win her brownie points. On the plus side, maybe they get HBO in jail?

Lindsay’s vow to appeal could explain why Shawn Chapman Holley has resigned as the actress’ counsel. She’ll have to do it with a new attorney if she does.

Lohan’s new attorney, Tiffany Feder-Cohen, has already been in touch with the Sheriff’s Department. No word if she plans to compare Lindsay to a martyr.

Lindsay belongs in …

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Jessica Simpson and boyfriend Eric Johnson are hitting it off. Too bad he’s a former NFL player, which she hasn’t had much luck with … and still legally married!

He also went to Yale, which is far more surprising to us given who he’s dating. Anyway, he’s separated from his wife, which we’re positive Jessica is aware of.

As such, the magazine cover below may be slightly misleading when it implies it has uncovered some sort of scandal. The guy is technically married, however.

Jessica began dating Eric Johnson, who filed for divorce from his wife of five years, Keri, in January, around five weeks ago. They met at her Beverly Hills’ home.

Friends introduced the tight ends at a party she had.

RISKY NEW ROMANCE: Really, what romance isn’t for Jessica?

“Jess is definitely rushing into this,” an insider says, noting they recently went to Jacksonville, Fla., to celebrate Eric’s grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary!

When not hanging out with his entire family, Simpson and Johnson made time for some serious PDA at the modest, family-friendly Ponte Vedra Inn & Club.

“Her hand was on his butt, and they walked slowly just to enjoy the moment. They looked cute,” says an insider, who saw a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door.

Shocking news there … they didn’t want a maid barging in.

Friends fear Jessica Simpson has already altered her lifestyle for her New Age-leaning, yoga-loving fella: “Just shocked my system with a vegan diet, special Pu-erh tea from China and cupping since Friday,” she Twittered on June 27.

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If you’ve seen him on TV, you know he’s not exactly dying to be exclusive with anyone. But that doesn’t mean Mike Sorrentino isn’t looking around for love.

But what exactly is The Situation looking for?

“I’m a Cancer and I’m Italian,” he said at the launch of NoX Edge, the workout steroid supplement. “I like to take care of people and do nice things. It doesn’t matter if her hair is blonde or brown, but she must be giving and generous, like myself.”

“Looks are big,” Mike concedes, while evaluating any romantic options.

Maybe for long-term prospects, anyway. Dude hooked up with Snooki.

Can you resist a piece of this? Think about it, this display was during a red carpet appearance … it’s as clothed as you’ll ever see him. Talk about a Situation!

Sorrentino notes that the ideal woman goes deeper than the surface elements of romance, although she does have to work well with him and his lifestyle.

“I’m the type of person that’s open, whatever happens, happens,” The Situation says. “Ultimately, she’s just got to work well with the way I live my life.”

“I need a girl who knows a relationship is 50-50.”

But he cautions that if certain boundaries are overstepped, he’s outta here: “If she’s bossy, controlling or high maintenance, those are dealbreakers for me.”

Jersey Shore premieres July 29. Check out the Season 2 trailer!

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As celebrity hairstyles go, Rihanna has few peers. If any.

The singer recently went from honey blonde to red hot with a fiery new hair color, which you’ve probably noticed if you’ve read any celebrity gossip lately.

It sorta stands out, even as outrageous star fashion goes.

Which color looks best on Matt Kemp’s girlfriend, though? That’s a question we can’t answer. So we leave it to you, readers, via the survey below …

Which hair color looks best on RiRi?

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